shelleyinpoland

I've been saying good-bye for 10 months.  I've been packing for 10 months.  I am SO READY to set down roots again and have a place where I can finally UN-PACK for good, relax and feel AT HOME.  Seriously, 10 months is an incredibly long time to be a guest in someone else's space and to be living out of suitcases... and still another 2 months to go.  The next 2 months will be even worse; 2 days here, 2 weeks there, a week there, a week here, a week there, 2 weeks back there, a few days here, a few days there... and then to Gdansk!  My suitcase will become almost permanently attached to my hand.  (...she types with mental exhaustion just thinking about it!)

 

For most of the past 10 months I've been able to say good-bye without it hitting too close to home.  Because I know in my heart that it's just, "Okay, good-bye again, but I'll be back again soon."  But today is my last day as a resident of Poznan.  The next time I'm here for a full 24 hours will be to collect my stuff, pack it into a moving van, and head to Gdansk.  Just typing that is making me cry.  The reality of this really and truly being the end of my time in Poznan keeps catching me off-guard at in-opportune moments.  Like walking to the tram a couple days ago, I was wiping tears off my face and people were looking at me funny.  At Strefa on Wednesday night my friend announced it was my last Strefa and I just sat there and silently cried as people looked at me.  Today on the bus I blinked tears and took a deep breath to stop myself from breaking down in an outburst of sadness.  Leaving Austin was hard, it had been my home for 7 years.  But leaving someplace as a normal citizen of that city is not nearly as difficult as leaving a city where you poured out your heart and loved so many people for the sake of saving a few.  Living in Poznan for 4 years I have come to deeply understand and appreciate the depth of meaning in Paul's words to the Corinthian churches:

¹⁹Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. ²⁰To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. ²¹To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. ²²To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. ²³I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.              I Corinthians 9: 19-23

 

As I ponder these verses, I don't think I ever truly grasped them when I lived in America.  I always thought they sounded nice and very spiritual.  But I never really understood what that meant- what it looked like to be able to say that.  And even now, I can't say that I've made myself a slave to everyone, because I certainly have a fair amount of pride and independence that I stubbornly hold onto.  But I can at least understand what it means to become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.  Of course, we know it's not "I" who saves anyone, but Christ who works through me.

I heard somebody say once, "If it doesn't hurt when you leave, then you weren't an effective missionary."  Well, I don't know if that's a standard to measure success by, but I can say that this pain is a whole different ball-game than I've ever experienced.  It's a pain that's so inter-mingled with joy and hope and deep sadness and pride and heart-wrenching anguish to think of all the people I met and connected with who are still un-interested in Christ.  Could I have been more things?  Could I have loved a little harder?  Spoken a little louder?  Been a little more brave?  And yet- to see the lives that ARE changed and the peace and joy and spiritual growth happening in so many others- that is such a source of joy for my soul!  And I know that at the end of the day, the work of transforming a life lies in God's hands.  It is only my job to be obedient and fulfill His will for me.  I cannot carry the burden of other people's choices.  But I left my life behind in America to come and see people's lives transformed by Christ.  That was the entire purpose of me living in this city.  It's unlike having lived in any other city back home, there was always other purposes; family, school, work, etc.  Here- it's simply to be a light in a dark place.  And so it hurts to see people I care deeply about who are still being tossed around by the pain and emptiness in this world... and wondering what will happen after I leave, and trusting them to God's loving hands.  He loves them even more than I do.

 

And now, He has something else for me.  And so I go....  and once again I am leaving behind everything dear in my heart.  And once again God will fill my life with more blessings than I can count, so I sit in peaceful anguish as I say good-bye one last time to my current "home" on earth.